A lifetime in a memory

None of her wishes had come true. The more she held onto something, it would soon slip away from her. She felt a heart-ache every now and then. She clearly had chosen to keep that aside. Like an amputee. Do you understand this kind of pain without going through it? The one which hurts without literally hurting, nor killing. It suspends you in between life and death. You know that you are not dead for sure. But, you are definitely not alive. Definitely, maybe kind of a thing. Like being nobody's love. It's an oxymoron. Nobody's love, isn't it? But, it didn't break her anyway. There were many other things that could break her. But, she always had a way to reconstruct herself back stronger. But, the problem was this one rotted her piecemeal. From inside. 

She wanted to unlove and break free. But, her system had not allowed herself to. She had found professional help that didn't help. But, all she could do in self defence was to not love anymore. Not allow herself to love. She was so cruel to herself, but that was supposed to protect herself from getting hurt. Cruelty that protects something. An irony. 

She held the receiver without talking. On the other side,  a voice said that she was late for the appointment. She quickly put her best dress and make up on, one last time and took a heavy sigh. She left a locked door behind, to get his memory erased from her brain. To unlove, undo and unlive. One last time.