A lifetime in a memory

None of her wishes had come true. The more she held onto something, it would soon slip away from her. She felt a heart-ache every now and then. She clearly had chosen to keep that aside. Like an amputee. Do you understand this kind of pain without going through it? The one which hurts without literally hurting, nor killing. It suspends you in between life and death. You know that you are not dead for sure. But, you are definitely not alive. Definitely, maybe kind of a thing. Like being nobody's love. It's an oxymoron. Nobody's love, isn't it? But, it didn't break her anyway. There were many other things that could break her. But, she always had a way to reconstruct herself back stronger. But, the problem was this one rotted her piecemeal. From inside. 

She wanted to unlove and break free. But, her system had not allowed herself to. She had found professional help that didn't help. But, all she could do in self defence was to not love anymore. Not allow herself to love. She was so cruel to herself, but that was supposed to protect herself from getting hurt. Cruelty that protects something. An irony. 

She held the receiver without talking. On the other side,  a voice said that she was late for the appointment. She quickly put her best dress and make up on, one last time and took a heavy sigh. She left a locked door behind, to get his memory erased from her brain. To unlove, undo and unlive. One last time. 

Freedom

Freedom is a luxury, an art mastered

It comes with seasoning

Years of suffering and indifference

I wear it like an ornament

It comes to me easy as breathing

But, to bond and be bound

Baby, it stifles me and holds me

It tames me, breaks my spirit

Stints my view through the glass I see

Paints colours and makes it hazy

Do you see, I don't belong here?

I lose you or not, it's still nothing

I'm free and wild as air

I can't be anchored

By a beast or an angel.

This security of having you

Doesn't wake me with false alarms

I'm steeled inside out

There is something in me

That you can't get to.

It's a reverie, it's a nightmare

Or a wishful thinking, a miraged happiness

Or someone's reality

Having that someone

To live and die for

Tangled in strings and knots

To desire and to be desired

But, oh baby, I can't, I know

I can't live for you

I'm not made of their blood

I can't and won't die for you.

We met as strangers

Strangers we still are

It's a thumb rule of relationships

That we meet and depart as strangers

Nothing changes the beginning

Or the ending

If you sit back and be an onlooker

Only the in-between is a make believe.

I can be a murderer or a victim

I can kill you and can't save you at once

There is no sense at all, you see?

I can't and won't take the middle path

Reveal what you are now or only time will tell

You'll have all of me or nothing

I will have all of you or nothing

Or too soon there will be a day

When there are no changes at all.  

Being Human

Leaving is never hard

Goodbyes don't hurt

As much as the life after.

You can't convince that it's over

To the others or yourself

Or know that it is for real.

A mirage that traps you in

Quicksand consumes you

You can't feel your legs

You fall and crawl

It kills you almost and keeps you alive,

You wish it is over in a second

But it lasts, for hours and days.

Days become nights

Nights become days

You can't tell one from the other

But, one day it's gotta be over.

That one day you feel nothing

Nothing at all, even after trying

It's not so human, but you find yourself

Hanging around like you're one.

Waiting to damn your beloved.

Mind Game

His sensual touch on her lips

An intoxicating one, that

Arrested her breath, slurred her words

No drug could come close.

It was love and lust.

What is one without the other?

Like flesh and blood, one derives

Drive from the other.

His sinews tightened, breathing hard

She shut her eyes to the nights she lied to herself

She broke, she cried and rehabilitated

Inside walls of make believe.

But not tonight.

All her youthful years that passed

The beauty life robbed her of

Piecemeal. Inch by inch. Surely.

How she was wasted. Ruthlessly.

Waiting and disarmed.

But not tonight.

She wished she had never met him

And lived to know

That he touched her like no man had

And no man could ever again.

Parallel

The crease in your shirt

As you shift, the creak of the chair

Subtly aware of the swift moves

The twiching of those eyes

Seeing, yet not choosing to see. 

We are stuck in different points

In tesseracts of time

That don't intersect, yet I feel your presence. 

Our parallel lives, oh what a paradox! 

I wait for you to salvage me, oh, I don't

That can't be, there's never an escape.

Mind, that one neurotic, constructs memories 

With coffee cups that we never drank from

And those moments that could have been 

I don't crave a new beginning

Or recreate the past

Let's just get sit together shit-faced 

Dissolving this boundary

That never was

Let's undo our masks 

The civilized, the office, the house, the constrained, the prejudiced, the societal

And stare together at the sky and the earth at the horizon

That end together yet never meet.